y let the star lead my wa

* Monday, September 25, 2006 *

today i feeling really down lo...my friend cum sister dun really understand me lo...i feelin so stress nw i dunno wat to do lo...

i thought that she understand me but no lo... i cry becoz of her...i thought i can be really happy today lo...y she cant she cant calm down and listen to me i really dun understand lo...

m i really wrong on wat i m doing???i shoudn't bring them in my company..i make them stress so much...i really dunno whether i m doing nw is rite or wrong lo...i really lost le...

really really lost....what i m surpose to do??

i am who i am
5:40 p.m.

* Sunday, September 17, 2006 *

nw is 4am in the morning le...i jus reach hm...i jus come back from singapore river which is near explande there...today hong yi, angel and me is sittin under at the melion there and tok...i today was really sad lo...due to my pro at hm, at work and health...and last i learn abt wat is really call a true friend...

i was very depressed jus nw...and ard 7pm i from my office walk till the CPF buliding there and went opposite side of the water foundtain there and sit for a few min...and hong yi sms me to ask me go lao pa sat and join e rest dere and at e same time wait for him and he bring me to singapore river for a walk...

so when i reach lao pa sat, mr desmond want to talk to me so when i finish toking to mr desmond, honyi, angel and me walk together to singapore river...when we r on the way to singapore river, i heard tt e rest is going orchard to hae fun...so hong yi and angel will be joinin them later...so i told both of them tt they no need specially accompany me to singapore river de...they can go and join them and hv fun...but they told me tt they wont leave me alone de...actually i m really veri touch le...so when we was goin to singapore rive, i keep on asskin hong yi and angel to leave and go join them to hv fun...but they dun1...

so i no choice i lt both of them follow me to singapore river and we decided to seat at ard the melion area to chit chat...so when i reach there i hv alots of memory over there...and my tears started to roll down...so hong yi and angel started to tok abt their story...i know tt they jus 1 2 motivate me and especially hong yi...he want me to understand y i m here in the company he spend alot of time and effort tellin me everythin he gone through in the office...

Both of them oso hv tok out wat they feel in their heart that they nv say out or even cant say out muz but eerything in their heart...so they using tis time to speak out...hahaha...nt i m de onli who cry lo...hong yi and da jie oso cry lo...onli i cry the most mah...but wat make me feel guilty is becoz of me they cant go join othes and hv fun...and they accompany me till veri late...and at last they hv to NR home...but after cry out everythin is ok le...and nw i can recover as normal le...=)

Words to Hong Yi and Angel: Thank you veri much and becoz of both of u, i nw feel better le dun feel lye cryin anymore le...thankx...=)

i am who i am
4:01 a.m.

* Saturday, September 16, 2006 *

today is really a crying day for me and mitra lo...1st is mitra...haha...she is hvin family pro...plus when she come down to office there is more and more pro come to her and eerything she do does nt goes smoothly...jus lye me lo...when she is wif us...she going to cry le...so me and genesis ask her to go to the toilet...so we went to the handicap toilet...coz e handicap toilet is quite big so we can stay dere and hv a tok...so after knowin wat is happenin to mitra, we decided to go lao pa sat to sit down dere and chat...

when we were on the way to lao pa sat, we saw mr eugene and the recruitment...so we just walk pass them...so when we reach lao pa sat we sat down and chat for a while...mr eugene call and 1 us to go see him...so we did...mr eugene ask a female manager to hv a tok wif us...erm...actually i feel more lye crying lei after listening...

so after listen to wat mr eugene told us, mitra and i went to cheers to buy smthin and go back to office...when we r on the way up to office, i told mitra alot of thing tt i nv tell any1 before lo...and from tt monment i started feelin lye cryin...

so when reach office, actually my tear is starting to roll down...i try to go toilet to hv a good monment in cryin but all the toilet is occupied by ppl including my fav handicap toilet is oso occupied...so no choice my tears started to roll down and when i see ms lois i was lye dunno wat to do...so i went to the staircase conner and cried out...so i call mitra to go over dere and find me...she told me tt ms lois ask both of us to go conference room to meet her so i did...

in the conference room i really cried badly lo...my both us was swollen lye hell...lucky i hv a lots of gd friend ard me to try to cheer me up...and they really veri concern abt me...=)

i am who i am
12:49 a.m.

* Thursday, September 14, 2006 *

Yes!!!finally holiday le...

today i m hving my accountin exam...which is my last paper...hmmm...tis is the first time i pass up a blank paper...erm...nt say blank lo...i still gt do 1 question before i hand in my paper lo...coz when the paper reach my hand, i read through the question, but i onli know how to do question 1 the rest i see already i was lye...erm....forget it...haiz...accountin i know fail for sure de...nvm la...if tis time i fail le i dun intend to continue study again...i 1 2 fight on to my career...haha..

today is such a buz and quite helpless day for me...hmmm...today i wake up quite early coz i nid to reach office at 11am for my trainin...next i hv to rush down from office to my school to take my exam at 1.30pm...coz my exam start at 3pm...so when my exam ended at 5.30opm, i hv to rush back to office for trainin again...so all e while i hv no time to take my breakfast or lunch today...i even did nt even drink any water today...so when i reach office at night i had a strong gastric pain...so at night i jus grab finger food to fill my stomach lo...haha

why do i say i quite helpless today???coz...i hving pro wif these two ppl...shirley and jasmine...actually i oso dun quite lye shirley attitude de lo...y i lye tis say lei...coz lye today...we actually hv say a night before to meet up and we go office together but tis morning, shirley nv turn up...ok nvm since lye tis, jsmine and i make a move to office 1st...so when we reach office le rite, shirley come towards to us and say tis "hw come u 2 so early reach office???i know no nid to reach office so early so i now dan come..." so i told shirley tt we been waitin 4 her at her station for a very long time...she ans me back.."who ask u all so stupid to wait for me???u all can dun wait de ma...next time dun wait for me lo"i was so angry but i control my temper...so as jasmine...

whatever shirley say is lye everything she is in the rite and other ppl are in wrong...so i nowaday when she ask me a question i dun feel lye answerin her...and for jasmine...she is quite violent de lo...she told me tt if really 1 day she cant stand shirley she will go up to her a give her 1 tight slap...and she had already keep on tellin me tis oftenly lo...and jus now we jus had a fight coz she repeatin tis again...so i told her tt dun alway say tt lei i was lye dunno hw to tell her hw stress i m feelin nw when i still thinkin hw to talk to tis two gal...shirley and jasmine...=(

i am who i am
2:07 a.m.

* Wednesday, September 13, 2006 *

hahaha...jux now my one of my colleague had jus promote to manager worx...i was so happy for him...haha...pass few day he was worry abt how to promote to manager...haha...nw he did it...Yeh...=) haha...i think he muz be real happy coz he no nid to be boktah le...hahaha...=P

today my day is quite interestin...i learn alots of things in office...heard a lots of stories...hmmm...quite interestin day...haha...

but 1 question to myself...m i normal today or a bit cold to ppl 2day...hmmm...coz to day i think i a bit weird weird de...haha...it really is time for me to take medicine le...haha...=)

i am who i am
12:37 a.m.

* Tuesday, September 12, 2006 *

know wat yterday...peiyian called me when i m on my way hm in e mrt train, she jus quarrel wif her parent and she jus nid a person who understand her to lent her a listening ear...so i jus lent her my listening ear...she cried on e phone...and she mention abt her passed away grandfather which dote her and understand her...n she told me tt she wish tt she can see her grandfather...n she really miss him...but do she know i also hv a grandfather tt dote me from young and passed alway too...when she mention abt her grandfather, i nearly cried out coz when i think or tok abt my grandfather my tear will start to roll down...yterday i was so helpless...my friend was nt ard me and i was alone...and i could nt tok to any1 even can i do nt know hw to start my pro...=(

wat can i do was jus to hide in my room and cried whole nite jus lye wat i m doing tonite...whole nite jus do my cryin enough le...actually i 1 2 start revise my accountin de...but my heart tonite is nt study...my whole mind was thinkin e pro i hv and think solution on hw to solve e pro...

today although i hv many pro i still joke and laugh ard wif my friends and treat it as nthing happen...hmmm...is really nt feelin so good when u r nt really tt wish to laugh or joke ard but u still pretend to do so...e feelin in heart is nt really good...but i hv no choice...i nid to be stronge but i was so helpless nw...and feel tt i was such a failure lei...i dunno hw to be stronge anymore...coz i onli know hw to hide in my room and cry...

i try to get my best friend and wanted to find a listener too but nt today...haiz...properly she slp le ba...haiz...=(

tomorrow will be a new day...

i am who i am
2:36 a.m.

* *

hmmm...today me quite sad de...today i m hving my business fundamentals exam and i m ready to fail le coz i really didn well prepare lo...haiz...and when the paper come out my mind was suddenly gone blank...

another sad things is my hp line got cut off coz hv nt paid e bill i think ard 2-3 months le ba...hahas...so got cut off line...no 1 able to contact me today hahas...

another thing which really make me really sad is my parent is finding another smaller flat to move off le...coz my parent could nt support tis flat tt currently i m staying nw...and is really sad lo...i lye my current hse nw...i dunno to go back those small small hse tt i stayin last time...althought i was living 4 room flat last time...but i really use to stay in this big hse i m stayin nw lo...if suddenly ask me to move to other place i really will cry out de...hw???...haiz...

nw even god oso cant help me le...unless there is a miralce...=) hahas...i know is impossible de...jus to comfort myself onli...=(

today although although so many things tt hv happen to me but i still think tt i should nt let everyone worry abt me...and so when i reach my office place i act as if as nthing happen and joke ard...although i told them e pro and act nthing happen...i joke ard...jus nt to let them think tt i negative...coz i know every1 will start askin tis "R u ok?" if lye tis i think i will cry out ba...haha...so i jus act as normal lo...wat to do...hahas...=l

i am who i am
2:07 a.m.

* Sunday, September 10, 2006 *

today i was veri veri crazy...in the afternoon when i go office i was still worry will i staying there long???and i m still thinking nt to go office today...but in the end i still when to office...coz since i hv decided to face my pro, i hv to face it...so at last i still step in to office...

evening time, since we hv nthin to do, Mr eugene decided to go do survey...on the way to orchard, dunno wat happen i was realli crazy and started to talk lame thing to my colleague and joke wif them...hmmmm...i think lye tt at least they wont be so worry abt me ba...hahaha...

Hmmmm....i think i realli nid to go medicine liao...hahah...=)

i am who i am
2:53 a.m.

* Saturday, September 09, 2006 *

i hv decided to ace the facts now...althought dun feel lye facing but i cant be so selfish to think of myself...so i hv decided to go back office tml and start to plan hw to carry on my fighting towards my career...

i will try to go office oftenly from tml onwards...except for my exam on mon and wed, i will be in office...i m sure tt i can overcome the stress de...although i know tt it will be hard for me but i willing to take a try lo...

i choose nt to avoid my pro nw but i hope i really hope tt ppl ard me can help me face e pro instead of helpin me to avoid e pro...=)

i am who i am
12:30 a.m.

* Friday, September 08, 2006 *

today my mood quite down...today after school, i meet my boyfriend for lunch...when we will hvin lunch my boyfriend ask me to quit the job i m doing nw and the reason for him to ask me to quit is he dun 1 me to look so unhappy and stress...

He told me tt i hv change alots...i change till more mature,more lady like and i was nt lye last time will lost my temper so easli...but i change to be more stubborn lye last time and less smile on my face le...and he oso told me tt he nv c me being so stress and unhappy for such a long time...he told me to quit n he will take care of me...

Every normal gal after hearing of these words will be touch or drop their tears or wat de coz i think he has caught a bit of my heart...but for me i was lye so angry wif him lo...Guess wat i told him???

I told him tt tis...
"nt every1 lye u lo...u r rich...whenever u nid money, u jus open ur mouth or sign a cheque e money will automatic reach ur hand...i m nt lye u...yes i use to be a spolit gal but nw i know tt u spend those money tt u earn urself is more meaningful dan those money u spend tt is from ur parents de lo...and i lye e job tt wat i m doing nw...beside is a changllenging job, it oso can help ppl who ard me...y nt???i dun lye 8-5 job...coz i found tt is boring and nt meaningful lo...i know u will tell me tt it is stress doing tis job but for me i still choose to stay on and fight together wif those ppl who fighting wif me for so long and i dun 1 to let them down anymore and i m sure tt i can overcome dese stress veri soon de lo...and i hv confidence tt if i hv overcome all these things nw, i can success in a veri short time"

And he told me tt he jus dun lye me working and being so unhappy, he oso say tt if a job tt can make me so unhappy might as well dun do...

This time round i dunno whether my decision is right or wrong coz i nv think wat much and just told him tt...
"since you do nt respect my job and i think we dun hv any more things to talk anymore...lets break off...we still can continue to be friend..."

And i walk off...

When i reach hm i was straight to my room and i could nt stop cryin and i do nt know what to do...haiz...my eyes nw is red de lo...tt y i dare to go out n stay at hm 2day...

i am who i am
8:15 p.m.

* *

dunno wat happen my confidence level to everything suddenly falls to bottom...it had nv hv tis kind of feeling before de lo...tis is e 1st time tt let me feel tt i m such a failure...maybe tis can let me grow but i realli dunno when will my confidence rebulid again and when i can overcame those stress i m hving...n it takes time for me to recover de lo...

today my da jie tell me dere is nthing to be stress abt de lo...but she nt me...hw she know wat i m thinkin, hw i feel...tok is easy but do is different...and dunno wat happen today actually i thinking of going back to office and see whether i can rebulid my confidence but when my da jie had tell me my confidence more bottom...

i m nt sayin tt wat she say was wrong but maybe she had nt touch my heart yet so she do nt know wat is e correct way to speak to me...coz i can say tt my heart is quite difficult to caught de lo...is veri difficult when u hven caught my heart coz is realli difficult to convince me when ppl has nt caught my heart...

my friends ard me will ask me tell me this"i already so many things le, dun tell me tt i nv convince u?" actually when it can convince me tt show tt they dun caught my heart...

n a stubborn gal lye me, my friends ard me hv to crack their brain to convince me to do a things but they hv neglect tt showin caring and sincere is e most importance...but i really seldom c tt will these kind of person exist in my world...is my expectation too high???

i am who i am
1:21 a.m.

* *

hmmm...today my mood is quite gd wor...i nv go school 2day coz i overslpt...i wake up at noon...can say tt i charge my batt very full...hahaha...
Tis mornin after i had wash up, i receive a call from my bf...when i ans e phone, my bf was lye..ooosh...and rold me tt i finally ans his call...hahaha...coz last 2 days i didn pick up his call and he sms me i oso nv reply...

Nwadays i hv a weird feelin to my bf...i feel tt e feeling btwn my bf and me is nt as sweet as last time...if for last time i will surly put relationship in the 1st place and dan work last...but nw is my career at 1st place and veri veri last is my relationship...i dunno is it a right mindset i hving???haiz...

haha...finally today willing to go office and stay dere for quite a long time...coz dunno y yterday when i step in to office i dun feel lye stay dere long n wantin 2 go off as fast as i can...is nt gd 2 hv dese kind of feelin and mindset lo...but i jus feel e stress when i saw my colleague my stress started to come again...hahaha...wat is happenin 2 me...
=)i still choose to avoid my pro...and choose to let ppl to caught wat i m thinkin themselve...ppl who know me well will know wat m i thinkin and avoid wat they shoulden say in front of me...if ppl who keep on sayin those things in front of me to make me stop them...i think e person relli dun understand me...

i am who i am
1:18 a.m.

* Thursday, September 07, 2006 *

Haiz...dunno wat is happening 2day wif me lo...wat m i thinkin man...dunno wat happen tt i suddenly felt that everything i do my confidence was nt there any more le lo...nt lye last time my confidence can say is veri veri high de...but nowadays dunno wat happen sia...as time goes by e things tt i m doing is lye lost all my confidences le...and the confidences level was getting loer and lower...

Especially the things i m doing nw...i dunno y these few days i feel lye giving up wat i m doing and slow down to take a rest...but as i m resting i jus cant stop myself for thinking of work...i think i m realli sick le man...

Hmmm...i think i realli very stubborn lo...coz so many ppl has ask me nt to give up on wat i m doing nw but i still insist on wat i have decided...i dunno is it correct on these way i choose...but since i hv decided i think i already hv no right to regret le lo...

I m very mood swing these few days sia...especially today...dunno wat happen to me...

I lie on bed thinking alots of things myself...still thinking whether should i give up or not coz frankly i lye wat i m doing nw but i m realli very STRESS...maybe yes i cant realli take stress but is not onli STRESS and e time given to me and things tt happen to me was realli TIGHT and FAST lo...and exam is coming le...next week start exam le...and it became more and more stressful...

Now i m bothering wif my next week exam+my deadline of promotion tt will end 22hrs later...

SSSTTTRRREEESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am who i am
1:39 a.m.

* *

Nowadae i feeling so helpless...i am very stress on work,school and family problem...especially in school...it was really very difficult to understand wat teacher is teaching lo...and especially these few week i never listen or went to school oftenly...exam is coming next week and yet my heart was nt in class and i did nt even 1 2 pay attention on wat teacher is teaching...
And for my work...i can say tt is as STRESS as my school work...wat i m stress abt is e promotion...i dun 1 2 let every1 down especially those ppl who guide me along my way...
These few days i been avoidin my pro...although i know tt no matter hw long i avoid my pro i still hv 2 face it 1 day...but i still decide to avoid it...at least for the time being i can be happy...i do nt hv to think so much...
Everytime when i hv pro...ppl ard me will ask me wat happen to me, but my reply to them was "nothing arr"/"no la wat will trouble me" all type of reply...i know things can solve if i share to ppl ard me...but for my character i dun really to spell out my pro de lo...if those ppl who understand me will know wat i m thinkin in my heart...i know is difficult to guess wat a person thinkin in their heart especially me tt y i will hide everything in my heart...haha...tts y all of my ex-bf told me tt is difficult to caught my heart and grap it tightly forever..=)

i am who i am
1:33 a.m.